Cruel Gamer PC Video Game Reviews For Adults!

Rated M for More Easy Than Ever!
Today's play testing has done little to shed light on why Assassins Creed for the PC is such a universally highly acclaimed game. With a metacritc score of 79/100 the question begs to be asked are they playing the same game as me? While Creed is a very nice game to look at, the visuals certainly don't compensate for the game play. Below are highlights of today's experience.

I Thought I Heard Something
Voice acting in Creed is quite good except for the main antagonist Altair. The actor for this role simply doesnt fit, he sounds more like he came from the back alleys of New York rather than the deserts of the Middle East. All of the characters have an accent to their English which helps create the mood. All of them that is except for Altair, furthermore not only does the voice acting not fit for him it's just poorly done in general. It lacks the passion that a man in the position he finds himself in should certainly possess.

What Do You Mean This Isn't Real
In a game where you leap off 50 foot drops into hay and survive without so much as a scratch or attracting attention realism is obviously taking a back burner to game play. In fact the only realistic elements of creed are the graphics, which is why its annoying to point out the following omissions. Blood splatter does not stain the walls or streets and it dares not cling to Altair's sparkling white uniform. In fact nothing seems to stain this garment, obviously it's made from woven teflon fibers. Hay slides off, blood refuses to stick, and while although he runs through dirt roads even the dust is too intimidated to leave a mark.

Killing Machine Optional
After a few days of practice im getting the hang of butchering guards en masse and dispatching pesky beggars who blow my cover. The fighting while not very intense is quite graceful and enjoyable to watch. Basically it's pretty much like the rest of the game, everything is nice to look at but you don't really feel like your actually doing anything! Combat is button spam oriented so far it's carried me through three missions. While there are combos and defensive moves there are not usually needed, although if you learn them and use them the game sucks that much less. The fact that they are not needed however makes the game suck that much more. it's just hard to love a game where so much of the game play is merely optional.

3 Stooges AI Is Just Not Funny
The AI is moronic, there area actually times when you can just sit there slashing at an opponent in a situation where they would be better off running. For example you can stand on top of an object, the AI will attempt to climb after you. Attack and your foe will fall but get back up and attempt to climb after you again, rinse wash and repeat till your opponent is bloody and dead. This is odd behavior since one of the functions programmed into the AI is to run away. So why is it that during fair fights the computer runs but in goofy situations like this they stand and die? Another gripe in this category is how you can kill someone right in front of the guards faces walk five paces away and they never suspect a thing! Perhaps it's the shiny white outfit, anyone so clean can't possibly have recently committed murder!

Oh Boy I Can't Wait To Play It Over Again . . . NOT!
Something about the game just makes me want to yak. I think I am starting to figure out what that is. The gamer is simply just not given enough free will. Creed is entirely scripted, all the twists are thought out in advance. you can't decline a mission and there are no alternative ways to finish a mission. I predict the replayability of this title to be nil, once you've mastered it that's that.